Two Negatives Don't Make a Positive

I haven't posted in a week. This past week has been very difficult. I really just didn't feel like posting. Everything got real bad last Thursday. I got into a fight with my girlfriend. She had been having a few really bad days of her own and this really started to bring me down. I don't know why it did it just did. Maybe it was because I'm in this situation and making the best of things and trying to stay positive and she just kept seeing everything in a negative light. I had finally had enough and I just lost it. We got into a really bad fight and I called her a bunch of names that I now regret. Now we are broke up and I'm sad about that.

The weekend didn't go to well either. I was able to make some money and stick it in the bank. I now have $370 in my checking account. I'm trying not to touch the money and I won't as long as I keep making money every day. But every day I am taking a huge risk and it's only a matter of time before the cops nail me again. Today was way too hot to stay out there very long so I was only able to put away $40. It's so temping to get a hotel room but then my money will be gone in a flash. As it stands right now I have several bills that I have to pay so that money is already spent.

One funny thing happened over the weekend. Another homeless guy got mad because he thought I took his spot. This guy is an idiot and he spends his money on heroin so I don't give a shit. He starts yelling at me and his dentures start flying out of his mouth! It was fucking hilarious. I wish I had my video camera so I could have recorded it. Needless to say I stood my ground but I only ended up making $4 that day. Four measly fucking dollars...

I feel like I'm just getting by every day. Like I'm really not getting ahead. It's so tough out here. I need to stop treading water. I'm just taking things one day at a time but this is so frustrating. I need to leave California. I'm tempted to just buy a train ticket out of here but then my bills won't get paid and I will still be struggling someplace else.

Running On Empty

Today was a really rough day. I took my chances last night and returned to my usual spot but maybe got 6 hours of sleep tops. Monday morning someone walked by me and found me sleeping in the hallway at 6:30am. That was unusual because nobody normally starts going into the offices until 7am. I've been caught before when I overslept but I am almost always out of there by 6:30ish. I was worried about going back since I got caught Monday but last night I set my alarm for 5:20am just to make sure I was up and gone long before anyone started showing up.

I had to go to my storage unit and get my gear so I could take a shower today. I stopped off at Denny's and had my weekly Grand Slam and then went to my storage. A couple of months ago Denny's announced through the newspaper that they were giving away a years worth of Grand Slams to the first 100 people at the grand opening of their new restaurant. I camped out with a couple of friends from the beach because why not? We were already homeless and now we had a free place to crash and we would win the Grand Slams. So I was 3rd in line (over 100 people showed up) and got my coupons for a free Grand Slam once a week for a year. That's right, 52 free Grand Slams. The only catch is each coupon has a certain week on it so it's a use 'em or lose 'em kind of deal.

So this morning I ate my breakfast but really didn't feel right at all. I had almost no energy to do anything. I can't remember being this lethargic unless I was really sick with the flu. But I don't have the flu. I went to 24 Hour Fitness and took a shower and felt a little better for about 20 minutes and then I was sapped of all my energy again. My kidney isn't doing well, this I know. One side effect of this is that I have become anemic. Your kidneys help produce red blood cells, when your kidneys start failing you also fail to produce the proper amount of red blood cells. The doctor told me my body should compensate for this but I was wondering today if the anemia is taking its toll on me. Another thought was the big breakfast I had made me lethargic. Or maybe because I didn't sleep well at all the other night. Whatever it was, it kicked my ass today. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't even concentrate.

Finally about 5pm I started to feel a little better. I'm still not 100% but I have way more energy that I did earlier. I ended up buying some candy from a candy store in Laguna so maybe the sugar helped. I don't know but I haven't crashed yet so I'm just happy to be feeling better.

I didn't have the guts to go and try to fly a sign again today but on my way back from Denny's I found my sign that the cops confiscated from me yesterday. They just threw my sign on the sidewalk and left it there. Fucking asshole pigs. Anyways, I'm trying to figure out a way to make some money but because of my energy level I really couldn't even think straight today. I gathered up all my loose change at my storage unit and took it to the Coinstar at the grocery store so I could turn the change into cash. I ended up with $35 in cash. This money isn't going to last long so I really need to think fast how I'm going to hustle some more money.

That's The Ticket!

My situation is dire. I know I have to rely on the kindness of strangers to get by, at least until I can get some type of aid through the government. I don't have any income and no medical insurance. The only thing I get right now is food stamps. This past 2 months I have had to hold a sign on a street corner and ask for help. It's something I have never done in my life. It's very embarrassing and it humbles me. If anyone thinks standing there holding a sign is easy or just for lazy people they would be wrong. Standing in one spot in the hot summer sun is not easy at all. It's also not easy getting the looks you get and the occasional "Get a job!" line. I can deal with the stares. It's funny, after doing this a few times you just kind of become numb to it. It rarely affects me anymore. The heat on the other hand is tough, especially for me. I have to keep my self well-hydrated and not stand out there too long.

Another effect of holding a sign is the police constantly harasses me. I have no idea what I'm doing is illegal or not but on several occasions I have been detained and searched but let go without so much as a ticket. On one occasion I was detained for well over an hour by the Lake Hills Sheriffs (Orange County Sheriff Dept) in the hot sun in the middle of the afternoon. The temperature was well above 90 and the officer made me sit on the curb with my legs crossed. After a few minutes I realized that I was sitting next to an ant hill as I had ants crawling up and down my back and down my pants. I informed the officer several times that I was having trouble sitting still because of the ants and that they were biting me. He completely ignored my requests that I be moved. He berated me over and over again saying I had a low-self esteem and that I just needed to get a job or hit the road. He said Orange County residents don't like panhandlers because they have money. When I told him about my medical condition he called me a whiner. After at least an hour an a half the officer let me go again without a citation. I called his Sergeant and explained what happened and asked him to view the dash-cam of the patrol car and all the Sergeant kept saying was that I shouldn't be panhandling and the officer was conducting a "criminal investigation" so he had a right to detain me like that.

Let's be perfectly clear, I was not hurting anyone. I was not stealing. I was simply holding a sign. If people choose to help me then that's their decision. If they chose to scowl at me or just drive by that's their choice as well. Some people will help and some won't and that's ok because nobody owes me anything. I just hope that karma comes back to me because when I was doing well I would give to panhandlers when I could. Even if people don't give anything this has taught me a valuable lesson; people do care. There are good people with huge hearts left in this world. Even when someone just flashes me a smile it makes me feel good. I'm not hurting anyone, maybe I'm even making a few people feel good about themselves. When I get to a point I can give back I plan on paying this forward by at least donating my time and helping out with homeless causes.

Ok, I know what you are thinking, there are the people that spend that money on drugs or alcohol. To be completely honest you are correct. Most of the panhandlers I have met have serious addictions and some of them are not even homeless to begin with. This is ironic but after what I've seen I will think twice before I give my money to someone holding a sign in the future. Let me just give you a quick snapshot of what I am talking about. Two guys I know hold signs even though they are not homeless. They stay in a hotel, do drugs, and collect SSI. The worst part is one guy puts a fake cast on his arm and the other guy stands on the freeway offramp with a cane yet he walks perfectly fine after he's done and walks away. Another guy I know holds a sign saying he's an Iraq Vetran which he is not, he's never even been in the military. He spends his money on beer, weed, and gambling. I mean he blows it. Give if you want to but don't be naive where your money is going. I'm just being blunt and telling it like it is. Panhandlers don't want you to know the truth.

What do I do with the money people give me? I have a 24 Hour Fitness membership that I pay on so I can stay clean. It's one reason I don't look homeless. I have a cell phone bill. Yes, a homeless man with a cellphone is ironic as well but I need it for emergencies and so I can continue to look for a job. Sometimes I rent a motel room for a night or two. Don't worry, I'm not staying at the Westin or the Holiday Inn. I try to find cheap rooms that are $40 or less a night. Yes, $40 a night is cheap in Orange County. I have bought clothes that I have needed as well. But I can't drink anymore and drugs would kill me real quick. Not really into hookers either, Hahaha!

Can someone get rich off panhandling? I'm not too sure about that. I have had days where I made $160 in 5 or 6 hours but I also have the days where I don't make one single dollar for over an hour. I think there are so many variables to when and why people give and who gives to who that there really is no average. Is it better to be clean looking or really down and out? I'm not sure. It would be interesting if someone did a survey or a study looking into this. But nobody grows up dreaming of becoming a panhandler one day. I know I don't want to be doing this for much longer. My new sign says I'm looking for work and even has my phone number on it and someone offered me their card today so I have a solid lead. I would much rather be working than holding a sign. I got a ticket today for panhandling so I think I will have to figure out another way to come up with some money. Standing there holding a sign is too risky. I'm a sitting duck for the police to harrass me.

The corner where I panhandle in Lake Forest, CA

One last note on the panhandling thing. People will give all sorts of things besides money. People will hand me a big bag of food and other toiletries. I try to never throw food away, even if it's tough to carry. I've had people drive by and offer me beer and cigarettes or even cookies laced with marijuana. I think people have the best intentions but in the end cold, hard, cash is best. People will have to decide for themselves what they can or are willing to give. Like I said, nobody owes me anything so I'll take what I can get.

Alcohol

Let me just say something. I hate alcohol. I mean fucking hate it with a passion. Alcohol is so fucking overrated. I have seen it destroy lives, marriages, careers, health, and put grown men on the streets and keep them there. I have seen men die from alcoholism. Not to mention my dad is an alcoholic. Don't get me wrong, I've had my days where I drank but grew tired of that scene real quick. I hate the way I felt the next day and it seems the older you get the harder it is to recover. If you try to drink your problems away, don't worry, your problems will be waiting for you when you sober up. It just makes no sense to me.

Now I am not against everyone drinking and I don't look down upon it. Do what you want. This is a free country. I am just against the chronic drinking. Last night I bumped into an old friend I met a while back here in Laguna Beach. I just saw him 2 weeks ago and he seemed to be doing well. He was working and getting his life together. He had over 2 years of sobriety. Let me just say I didn't even recognize him last night. He had a beard and looked tore up. He obviously had been drinking. So I started talking to him and he tells me the doctor gave him 12 months to live. He has liver cancer. He has painful sores all over his feet and hands. This blew me away.

So my friend basically said "Fuck it" and decided to drink since he's dying anyways. I hung out with him last night and as much as I feel sorry for him it was rough watching an intelligent man really start to lose his mind. That's another thing about alcohol. Alcohol can completely change a person's behavior to where you barely know who they are. I have seen perfectly sane people get drunk and do the stupidest and craziest shit ever. Anyways, he started stumbling into the street and tried to get cars to hit him. He said he wanted to die and get it over with. I had no idea what to tell him because I'm not in his shoes. I have no idea what must be going through his head, I can only imagine. I tried my best to tell him that his kids want him around and that people care about him. That's all I really could say. I didn't want to get all religious on him and throw that in his face. I didn't think that at that moment it was the best time. He was off in his own world and I'm not sure if he'll even remember a word I said but I tried.

This morning I was almost pissed off. Not really at him, I just can't be around the heavy drinking anymore. I can't stand seeing someone I care about throw everything away. Like I said, I feel for him but none of us are guaranteed anything anyways. We still have to live the best life possible. Even if he does die within the next 12 months, why spend his remaining days in a constant fog? Why not make this last year the best he possibly can? I'm not in his shoes. I'm just venting.

I can't drink. I have a serious kidney problem and alcohol only makes it worse. If I continued to drink I may end up on dialysis But health scares don't phase true alcoholics. Another guy I know on the beach just got out of the hospital because he fell and cracked his head open. His blood alcohol level was .616! What's fucked up is that isn't even his record. He had an alcohol level much higher a few years ago and almost died. He went into cardiac arrest. But that didn't even stop him. I don't get that. You see guys on the beach die and you almost die and you continue to drink. You continue to throw your life away. I have come to the conclusion that nobody will change unless they really want to change deep down inside.

For now, the thought of consuming alcohol just makes me want to vomit!

My Story

I decided to start this blog to tell my story and share my experiences of being a man without a home. Yes, I am homeless. How I became homeless is a long story. I didn't become homeless overnight. My life started to come unraveled about 3 years ago. I really don't want to spend a lot of time trying to figure out how and why I became homeless right now. I know it's part of the process to putting my life together but I just want to focus on what I can do to get off the streets as soon as possible.

In my case I am homeless because I'm in a bad situation with nobody to turn to. Almost everyone at some point in their lives has needed a little help. Maybe they lost their job. Maybe they lost their place to live. Maybe they got sick and needed a little help. Most people can turn to family or friends. But what if you don't have family that will help you? What if your "friends" turn their backs on you when they find out about your situation? What would you do then? It's easy to judge someone that is homeless if you have never been homeless yourself.

I'm not going to blame anyone for my situation though. Yes, I have a shitty family and they almost all pretty much suck. I don't have a mom or a dad that would take me in. I don't have family that will help me. That's just the cards I was dealt. I have to accept this and move on. I have to take care of myself. Because I have nobody I can turn to I should have had some money saved for situations like this but I didn't. I have been just getting by for too long. This has taught me a very valuable lesson. I need to rely on myself.

I haven't been homeless for all 3 years. This time around I have been homeless for about 2 months. I had a job in Massachusetts in April but I started having severe leg swelling due to a side effect of a medication I was taking. I didn't know what was causing the leg swelling at the time but it was so bad that even my knees were full of fluid. I was working 12 hour shifts standing and this was making the edema worse. One afternoon I asked my boss if I could leave work early so I could go to the doctors and he said he had no problem with that. About 3 hours later I got a call from the temp agency I was working through saying that my assignment had ended because I left work early. I felt stabbed in the back. I had no legal recourse because I was just a temp employee.

I moved back here to California and ended up staying with a friend. She lived in a 3 bedroom house and said her roommate was moving out so I could sleep on the couch until he moved out and then I could have his room. There was only one problem, one very big problem. The house she lived in wasn't her house. The house belonged to her parents. They didn't live there but they let her stay there rent free because she was looking for work. I never met her parents but she insisted everything would be fine. It wasn't fine. When her parents found out I was there they wanted me to leave immediately. No notice. No nothing. We decided to tell them I moved out thinking they would never find out I was there. Big mistake. They found out and then not only called the cops on me but threatened to evict her as well. The cops told them they would have to evict me and go through the court process but I decided to leave instead of trying to fight it. I didn't want my friend to get kicked out as well.

I stayed at a motel for a few nights until I ran out of money. I ended up getting a 5x5 storage unit so I could store my belongings and then I bought a sleeping bag and a camping pad. I've been on the streets ever since. Once in a while when I can gather up a few dollars I try and get a motel room for a few nights but that gets really expensive, really fast. I try to find safe, quiet places to sleep. That isn't easy at all. I found a place to sleep outside of some office buildings but I'm always worried the police are going to find me there and ticket me or worse, arrest me. I bought a 24 Hour Fitness membership so I'm able to shower and stay clean. I don't look homeless. But the fact is I am homeless.

My Sleeping Spot

The past two months I have been trying to find ways to get comfortable living on the streets but I have been putting too much effort into how to live on the streets than how to get off the streets. I truly believe anyone that is capable can get off the streets in less than 90 days. So this is my challenge to myself. How long will it take me to get off the streets? I don't believe in excuses. I am sick of being in this situation. I have problems just like anyone else. But I have something not a lot of people on the streets have. Ambition. I want a better life for myself. I'm going to do whatever it takes to get my life back.

I have $44.87 to my name. I want to have a home by Thanksgiving. That's my goal. 3 months is the goal but ideally I will be off the streets a lot sooner than that. How long will it take me to rebuild my life from rock bottom? Read on to find out...