Residentially Challenged

PD

2011-10-21T09:28:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a while since I last updated. I've had a lot going on the past couple of months. Last month I had some blood tests done and found my creatine had risen considerably from 7.1 to 9 just since July. My kidney function had now deteriorated to the point where I would need dialysis. Since I don't have any live donors lined up I only really had too options, choose dialysis or get sicker and eventually die.

Since I want to live I chose the dialysis option. I'm also choosing PD (Peritoneal dialysis) This type of dialysis is much gentler on the body and other organs and I can do it from home. It's actually ironic because now I can't possibly be homeless since there is no way I could do my dialysis treatments on the streets unless I went with the Hemo option.

I had surgery one week ago today. I had a catheter placed in my stomach and also surgery to repair a hernia. I can't actually start the dialysis treatments until my hernia heals which will take about 3 weeks. Until then I am being trained how to do my own dialysis at home.

The surgery wasn't fun. I woke up confused and in a lot of pain. I also became nauseated and started dry-heaving which if you ever had surgery on your stomach, you know this is really bad! It's amazing how quickly the body heals itself. Last weekend I couldn't even sit up on my own. Now I'm walking around and doing my better. The worst part wasn't the pain though. The worst was the constipation from the pain pills. I'm not much of a pill guy so I only took about 4 over a 3 day period, but that was enough to fuck me up pretty good. I had my surgery on Friday, I didn't have a bowl movement until Wednesday! Talk about pain!

So I'm on my way to feeling better. It's funny, I was so scared of dialysis but now I realize it's not so bad. It's not something I would wish on anyone but I know I'm going to get through this. Sometimes you just have to face your worst fears head on and then you realize you were afraid for nothing. It's going to be OK.

I will try to keep up with my blog more often. Have a great weekend!

Panhandling Starter Kit

2011-08-26T07:31:00.000-07:00

Some people look down upon panhandling. But at some point it's something you might have to resort to. If you are going to be out there on the road you are going to need a few things to survive. Maybe you are thinking about giving panhandling a try for the first time but you're not sure what you need. Here's what you'll need to get started:

Sunscreen. I don't care if you are in a sunny climate or cloudy. You are going to want to lather up in sunscreen before you head out. I recommend the highest rating. You are going to be standing out there for hours. Believe me, you'll need it.
Water. Like Sunscreen, water is essential. You can get dehydrated fast out there.
Backpack. You are going to need a backpack to carry goody bags and whatnot that people will give you. A medium sized backpack is fine.
Magic Markers. You will need markers for your sign. Cardboard is everywhere so that shouldn't be a problem. Be sure to bring the markers in case the cops confiscate your sign so you can make a new one on the fly.
Insect repellent. Depending on the climate you might need a can.
Snacks. You will get hungry. Bring a few small snacks to tide you over.
Positive Attitude. This is really important. Don't expect everyone to give you donations. Remember, nobody owes you anything. Every donation is a gift. Take the insults with a grain of salt. Keep a positive attitude out there.

My Homeless Rules

2011-08-25T21:40:00.000-07:00

When I was homeless I came up with 30 rules to being homeless, or getting off the streets I should say. I lost the list of rules but I was going through some old emails and I found them. At some point maybe someone that is homeless might stumble upon this blog so I thought I should post these rules. Most of these things are common sense but you would be amazed that most of the time when you become homeless, common sense goes right out the window. I truly believe if you follow these simple rules that you will stay as safe as possible and get yourself off the streets.

1. Be careful who you associate with. Just because you are homeless does not mean you have to mingle with other homeless people all the time. It's not being judgemental, there's a lot of negative energy in this community and it's far too easy to get sucked into that mentality.

2. If you do mingle with the homeless, use them to get valuable information such as when and where you can get a meal, or where you can locate resources that are available to the homeless. Be careful though, some people will you give you the wrong information or lead you in the wrong direction. I don't know if it's just plain ignorance or they just want to mess with you. It's always best to ask more than one person just to be sure.

3. Reality: There are very few homeless people that really want to better themselves or get themselves off the streets. This I know from experience. Hang out with people that will better you, not bring you down. Do not hang with guys that sit around drinking all day and stay clear of anyone that does illegal drugs.

4. Find a safe, quiet place to sleep. This should be one of your first priorities when you become homeless. There are homeless shelters in some cities but don't count on them. Shelters have a lot of negative drawbacks and they are not for everyone. When you find your sleeping spot be sure not to tell anyone where it is unless you know beyond a doubt that you can trust them and that they won't screw up your spot. Keep a low profile. Get up early (before dawn is best) and clean up after yourself. Leave no trace that you were ever there. Pay close attention to the patterns and habits of people that reside or work in the area where you sleep so you can go undetected. Last but not least, make sure your spot is in an area that the local police don't patrol often.

5. This goes back to rule number 4, stay clear of homeless shelters if at all possible. They are notorious for being loud all night and it's really hard to sleep. You will have to follow strict curfews and very negative people. You will also leave yourself more venerable to illnesses. I believe that shelters are not the answer if you want to get off the streets.

6. Get at least 6 solid hours of sleep a night. More if possible. It's very important to get your rest. You will not be able to function properly without the right amount of rest and your mental and reasoning skills will decline rapidly.

7. If you can, get a dog. A dog can be a huge responsibility but it will protect you and wake you up at night if people or wild animals try to attack you while you sleep. A dog also makes a great companion. One major drawback is that the dog may bark at night and give you away.

8. Avoid eating fast food or eating at restaurants. This is a major expense and the food is not very healthy. Fast food will not only drain your wallet but also your energy. Try to buy small quantities of food and eat plenty of fruits and vegetables. You want to maintain your health and keep your immune system as strong as possible.

9. As tempting as it might be, do not drink alcohol or do drugs of any kind. This should be common sense but most people can't avoid this pitfall on the streets. This isn't going to solve your problems and will only set you back even further. If you smoke, now is a great time to quit. You will feel much healthier, get sick less often, and save tons of cash.

10. If you don't have a car, buy a used bicycle. This is great exercise and can save you time and money getting from place to place.

11. Join a gym. Try a place like the YMCA or 24Hour Fitness. You will have a place to shower and you can get into shape. Maintain your hygiene. People will judge you based on your appearance and how well you groom yourself. Try to blend in and not appear homeless. This will help you get a job faster and at most gyms the cost comes out to about a buck or less a day.

12. Buy a cellphone. Even if your credit is bad you can at least get a prepaid phone or get on a pay-as-you-go plan. You need a phone so you can apply for jobs and so friends or family can contact you. Cellphones are great in case of an emergency and you don't need minutes to dial 911. Be careful of companies like Metro PCS though. You get what you pay for.

13. Get a PO Box or use a place like Mail Boxes Ect. for your mail. This is a valuable tool.

14. Rent a small storage unit so you don't have to lug all your belongings everywhere. This will help you not appear homeless and you don't have to worry about your stuff getting stolen.

15. If you can't afford a storage unit, find a safe, dry, hidden place for your belongings. Make sure nobody sees you stash your stuff and make sure you don't hide your stuff so well that you can't find it when you return!

16. Locate free or low-cost showers if you can. Try local swimming pools or the YMCA, they don't charge much for a shower. Always know where a clean bathroom with a mirror is. Stay clean. Try to shower at least every other day. Brush your teeth every day.

17. Look for a job every day. Try to spend at least an hour or two every day looking online and applying for jobs. If you are able to work, take whatever you can get. Restaurants jobs are usually easier to get because of the high turnover of employees and you can get great discounts on meals or sometimes even free food! This isn't the time to look for your dream job. Anything is better than drawing a blank.

18. If you must panhandle, then panhandle. Don't be afraid of rejection. Have no fear. Be polite and ask for change with a smile on your face. Make good eye contact. If they say no, still be polite and thank them anyways. Remember, nobody owes you anything. Be grateful for what you do get. Try holding a sign if you are willing.

19. Make friends with people that are not homeless. Hang out with people that have positive attitudes. Cut out anyone that is negative or that sucks the energy out of you. You are better off without them. Get rid of toxic friends. They are like a cancer.

20. Join a church even if you're not religious. Not only will make some good friends but it's good to have faith in a higher power when you are going through tough times. Try to pray every day and every night. You might feel better.

21. Join some websites such as meetup.com or couchsurfing.org. Make some friends that you have some common interests with.

22. The library is your friend. Use it. It is a warm, dry, safe place to hang out. Most have internet service for free. If you have a laptop, use their free wifi. While you are there you can search for jobs, look for local resources, or even just learn something new. They always have a copy of the local paper for free to look at. If nothing else, expand your mind. Read a good book, (the library is known to have books, who knew?) Remember, be respectful at the library and never sleep there.

23. Stay dry. There is nothing worse than being homeless and being soaking wet. Follow the weather and know what's coming so you can prepare.

24. Buy a cheap sleeping bag. Walmart has some (40 degree rating) that are just $9.99. Make sure you buy one that will work for the climate you're in.

25. Like Kenny Rogers said "Know when to fold 'em, know when to run." Sometimes you just have to cut your losses and move on. If what you are doing just isn't working out don't be afraid to try something new or travel to a new place if possible. Also, don't be afraid to ask for help.

26. Always try to stay positive. It's hard to do in tough times but it's probably the single most important trait you can have out there. Your attitude will make or break you. When shit hits the fan, turn off the fan. You have to want to get out of this situation bad enough.

27. Save money. I don't care what you make. Save at least 50% of everything you make. This shouldn't be that hard since you are homeless and don't have rent to pay. Don't touch your savings unless it's absolute emergency or it's for a permanent place to live.

28. Don't get too comfortable on the streets. It's easier to do than you think.

29. Set goals for yourself. It doesn't matter how big or small these goals are. Make daily goals as well as weekly goals. Set your sights on something ahead and aim for it.

30. Refer to these rules daily. You don't have to follow every rule I have here. Maybe you have some of your own that you want to add for yourself. Whatever you do, follow some sort of rules and pull yourself together. When you become homeless your confidence fades quickly. Don't sink too low.

How You Can Help

2011-08-24T14:07:00.000-07:00

A few people have written me and want to know how they can help. There are several ways you can help me out. I've just begun the transplant process so there are a lot of unknowns. Here's what I know you can do to help:

Become an organ donor. This is something anyone can do. It's easy and simple and it could save a life, or even multiple lives! I'm even an organ donor! (You probably wouldn't want my kidney though) Make sure your family knows because if they ever have to make that decision for you, there will be no question to what your wishes are.

Get tested. I have asked healthy family members if they would get tested but I haven't heard back from them yet. If I can't get a living donor, I will have to go on dialysis and be put on the dreaded list. The wait could take anywhere from 2 to 5 years before I would get a kidney. A living donor is preferred. There's a much greater chance that the kidney won't reject. You are under no obligation to do anything at the point you get tested but at least you will have all the information. If you would like to get tested please write to me and I can give you all the information you need.

Donate to help my cause. The typical kidney transplant costs about $90,000 for the first year. After the first year the costs drop to about $16,000 for the anti-rejection drugs and treatments. This may seem like a lot of money but this is a lot less expensive than dialysis treatments. Dialysis treatments cost tax payers $44,000 per year, per patient. So as you can see, the cost of a transplant is much less expensive. Also, someone with a successful kidney transplant is able to work and contribute to society again. There are some dialysis patients that work but it's very difficult. I'm not trying to get rich. I don't expect to get $90,000 in donations. I would be happy with a few dollars. I'm grateful to anyone that can contribute to me and 100% of any donations will go to helping with my medical costs. I'm applying for assistance but so far I've been denied from Social Security three times. I finally won earlier this month but it could be several more months before I see a dime from them. For the past 10 months my wife has worked two jobs just to keep our heads above water. But we are still broke, sometimes so broke I can't afford my co-pays for my medicine. I don't want to end up homeless again so sometimes it really comes down to paying the rent or buying my medication. As far as SSI goes, that is just how the process works. I don't even get food stamps. Anything helps. You can donate to me by clicking on this button:

If you don't feel comfortable donating to a complete stranger you can support the National Kidney Foundation and make a donation in my name, Shawn Thomas. Here's their link: http://www.kidney.org/support/donate.cfm

You can send a card or letter. Even if you don't have any money to spare I understand. Times are tough these days for everyone. You can send me a card. I am working on getting a P.O. Box set up. I am more than happy to accept cards or letters filled with words of encouragement :)

Whatever you choose to do, I appreciate the help!

The Ugly Truth

2011-08-24T13:53:00.000-07:00

I decided to come back to this blog because there's a lot of misconceptions about homeless people and panhandlers. I've done a lot of reading about panhandlers because I have been there, done that. There's a lot of of people writing articles or blogs about homelessness that have their own agenda. They are either stretching the truth or leaving a lot of important information out.

There are also people that have no idea what it's like to actually be homeless. Maybe they've volunteered in a soup kitchen. They may have interviewed a few homeless people. They could have even spent a couple of nights on the streets as an experiment. These people talk like they are experts on the issue. Really they have no clue. I don't even have much of a clue and I've lived this off and on for 3 1/2 years.

I kind of got the idea about this blog from a guy who started another blog titled "Why Lie, I Need a Drink." His blog was pretty successful. Basically this guy went panhandling for a certain amount of time to see if he could support himself by panhandling alone. I'm not too sure what his real motives were to. In the end he produced a documentary about his panhandling experiences.

This guy used his blog to beg for money. Some people call it cyber-begging. According to him, people would actually send him money. He never claimed to make very much, maybe just a few dollars here or there. My biggest problem with him was that he admitted he was trying to fund his lifestyle by panhandling, he didn't want to work. Although he wasn't using the money for drugs or alcohol, this still bothered me a little bit. Then again, if people knew why he was doing it and they were still sending him money, then who am I to say anything right?

I thought, "If this guy can make a few dollars off his silly blog, then why can't I? After all, I have a real legitimate need."

But I'm not writing this blog just to make a couple of dollars. If people throw a few bones my way, then great. If not, no worries. For me, this is more about getting the word out about homelessness. I'm able to share my story and maybe give some advice. I can even come back and read about my own experiences down the road. Even if nobody else ever reads this blog, I still benefit from it.

I do hope people read it though. At the very least I hope I can help someone else facing homelessness. I hope they stumble upon this blog and can take something positive from this. I'm not the greatest writer. What you are reading is going to be really raw. I shoot straight from the hip. I'm not afraid to step on toes or hurt feelings. I'm not going to sugarcoat anything. The truth isn't pretty but it needs to be told. I have no personal agenda. Hopefully in the next few months I can expose some of that truth.

I believe there is no tougher job than being a beggar. Nothing is harder than asking for compassion from people who hold you in contempt. Begging does a service, because it is a reminder to the fortunate that they could fall too.

Kelly Thomas

2011-08-23T13:38:00.000-07:00

I don't think I have ever really cried over a complete stranger dying but this story really upset me. I sobbed staring at my computer screen when I first read it. Everything about this story bothers me. It hit so close to home. This man was my age. He slept on the very streets I slept on. I didn't spend a lot of time in Fullerton when I was homeless but occasionally I would get stuck up there after riding the nightowl buses all night trying to stay warm.

I've also been beaten by the police. In 2002 I talked back to an officer when I was getting booked into jail on a minor offense and I was beaten by several officers. I was still in handcuffs and never once resisted or tried to fight back. I was thrown on the cement floor and put into a hogtie position and beaten over and over again. I couldn't breathe. Every time I tried to say something (if I could at all) the officers would beat me harder and tell me to stop resisting.

I really thought I was going to die. I didn't have time to pray. I didn't have time to think about anything other than my life was going to fucking end this way. I wasn't getting any air. Everything started going black. My vision began to tunnel. All of a sudden my probation officer told the other officers I had a heart condition and they all jumped off of me. I was lucky. My life was spared. Had I died, the jail would have told my family and the media that I was violent and that I was resisting. Nobody would have believed otherwise.

What is crazy is I was in jail for violating a restraining order my mom filed against me! Just like Kelly Thomas, my own mother filed charges against me and got a restraining order. I don't have the mental issues Kelly Thomas had. I'm not perfect. I do suffer from post traumatic stress disorder and some other things. But I got into an argument on the phone with my mom because she had a big house and I was homeless and she didn't give a shit if I was out on the streets in the middle of winter. It almost cost me my life.

But I violated the restraining order right? Yep, I sure did. My own mom wanted me to help her with her house she was getting ready to move out of. Yea, because I was so violent and she was so scared of me that she invited me to her house, right? Little did I know that an ex called my probation officer and told her I went to my mom's house just to be vindictive and that's how I got arrested in the first place.

Hearing Kelly Thomas screaming makes me so angry and scared. I picture him scared out of his mind. Those really were the last moments of his life. This isn't fair. These officers were all clearly in the wrong. They need to be charged with murder.

In 2010 I witnessed a police shooting. You can read about that here. I saw an unarmed man get shot multiple times. He ended up dying as well. That traumatized me. But this is worse. This could have happened to me. You don't have to be violent with the police to get beaten. Some cops get off on this and actually look forward to beating people up. Especially homeless people. Cops HATE the homeless for a variety of reasons. They really don't like dealing with the mentally ill. What better way to take out your frustrations than beating someone to a pulp when they can't even defend themselves?

Being homeless isn't a piece of cake, with or without mental problems. You always have to worry about the police. I believe you have to worry about the police more than anything else. Nothing else you can run into out there is more dangerous than an asshole with a badge and a gun. I'm more afraid of the police than any criminal I could run into. That is crazy. These are the men and women that are supposed to serve and protect.

This happens more often than you probably believe. Most of the time it doesn't make the news or it goes away quickly and quietly. This time it was different because Kelly Thomas had a family that cared and they want to fight back. This time it made national news. Something has to be done to put a stop to this violent behavior by the men in blue. Often the homeless don't have anyone standing up for them. Often the ones that die on the streets die alone and quietly. Thank God Kelly Thomas had his family. Still, they weren't there to save him that night.

Home Sweet Home

2011-08-22T01:25:00.000-07:00

Now that I've updated you about my health, I thought you might want to know how I finally managed to get off the streets. Let's just say I had a little help.

After my last post back in August of 2009 I had a few more run-ins with the police. Things just started escalating. I was in my usual spot and a guy walked by and gave me a couple of bucks. I like to call him my repeat customer. I don't remember his name but this guy would almost always throw me a few bucks even though he was struggling himself. Even when he was getting laid-off he would walk by and hand me a couple of dollars. I always felt bad he was giving me money. But him and I always managed to strike up good conversation.

This one particular afternoon he stopped and we we started talking. I even put my sign down. After about five minutes the cops rolled up on me. Not just one cop. Not two. Five cops! They grabbed me like I was under arrest and started searching me. I was scared. I really thought I was in some kind of real trouble. They even made me take off my shoes right next to the road.

It turned out this was all a big scare tactic to get me to stop panhandling in their city. They wrote me a citation but this one was actually a misdemeanor. They called it soliciting within 500 feet of an offramp. They took all of my money "as evidence" and discarded my sign. Needless to say, I never saw my money again.

This incident actually scared me. It made me stop. Luckily I had most of my money in my storage unit so I decided to buy a ticket out of town. I figured I had enough money to get to Nebraska and get a room for rent. The unemployment rate was very low in Nebraska. I thought this would be a great time to get out of Dodge.

A few things happened in the next few weeks. I bumped into an old friend and he had no idea I was homeless. He ended up offering me a place to crash so I took him up on his offer. It wasn't the best accommodations but it was better than sleeping on the streets.

I stayed with him for about a month but with me, him, and his brother sharing a tiny apartment I needed to find another place. I finally got the courage to start panhandling again. I never went back to the same spot but I did manage to risk everything and go back to the same city. The holidays were approaching and I knew this was the best time to make some money. I also knew the cops would be pretty busy.

I ended up panhandling off and on for about two more months. January 2010 came and I was starting to get a bit antsy. Then January 12 happened. I was riding a bus in Laguna Beach to go get my morning coffee like I always did when the bus came to a stop on PCH. I had my headphones on so at first I didn't hear anything but all of a sudden everyone on the bus started hitting the floor! I pulled my headphones off and I could hear gunfire and the bus driver screaming for everyone to get down!

Once the gunfire stopped I stepped off the bus. Don't ask me what I was thinking, I have no idea. I looked across the street and I could see three officers with their guns aimed inside of a wrecked car. Then they started firing again. I heard at least 10 to 15 rounds. You can read about the shooting here.

The man the officers shot was Colby Joshua Koenig. He died later that evening. He was only 25 years old.

What bothered me most this shooting was that Colby's car was blocked in. He had nowhere to go. He was unarmed. The entire incident didn't make any sense. I just knew it was time for me to go. I had had enough of the police and now I was even more scared.

I talked to a friend here in Boston and it turned out I might have a place to stay. At that point I called up a friend from a church I attended and asked if there was anyway he could help me get a ticket to Boston. I really wasn't 100% sure I had a place to stay, and it was the middle of winter, but I knew I had to make a change. Sometimes you have to take that risk. As a guy on the streets once told me, "If you want something you've never had before, you need to something you've never done before."

My friend bought me a train ticket and I left California February 5, 2010. It wasn't all smooth when I arrived here. My friend's family had no idea I was staying at their house but everything ended up working out. I was able to find work right away, even if it was just temp warehouse work.

I'm now married. I live in an older apartment across the street from the beach. I'm on the lease. I'm very grateful for how far I've come. It sure beats sleeping in an office hallway or a bus shelter.

I had to quit work and apply for SSI last winter. I got denied twice but finally had a hearing and won! I had to hire a lawyer but it was worth it. I still haven't seen a dime from Social Security yet. I've heard it takes a few months to get the backpay and the first check. I guess now I just have to be patient.

I haven't panhandled since I left California. My wife and I have been struggling a lot. I'm tempted to panhandle but I just don't feel right doing it since I have a roof over my head. Also, people here in Boston aren't as nice as people in Cali. I'd probably get beat up lol.

I do miss being homeless as crazy as that sounds. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to live on the streets but there is a certain freedom to not having a home. Only someone that has been homeless would understand that. You don't have bills, responsibilities, you can come and go when you want. You can really live off the grid.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just a free spirit at heart. I love a good adventure. Being homeless sucked but I have some great stories I can look back on. At the end of the day I do appreciate just be able to have a home, a place to lay my head, a place where I feel safe.

2 Years Later...

2011-08-21T12:44:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a while. Almost two years to be exact. A lot has happened in my life since. A lot has changed. I don't even really know where to begin.

I'll start off by letting everyone know that I'm no longer homeless. I'm still living on the beach, but this time in an apartment on the East Coast. I'm also married. I guess you could say I'm stable now. But my life is anything but "normal."

Although I am off the streets, my health has taken a turn for the worse. I have End Stage Renal Disease which means without a kidney transplant I will have to go on dialysis.

Kidney disease is almost a silent disease. Sometimes there are no symptoms until you are in the late stages of kidney failure. By then you are shell-shocked. Even some of the later symptoms can be really vague. Sometimes at that point it's too late to save the kidneys. I knew I had kidney issues. I just didn't know had bad it had progressed.

I've been sick for quite a while. Kidney disease is something I have dealt with my entire life. I'm 37 years old now but I was born with a defect that caused blockages in my ureter. Something that has never been explained to me is that when I was an infant I was very sick but my mother failed to get me adequate medical attention. My mother took me to the doctors a few times but blood was never drawn and they sent me home every time. It wasn't until I was 8 months old that my mother finally took me to Children's Hospital in Seattle where they discovered what was causing me to be so sick.

My left kidney was destroyed and had to be removed. My right kidney was damaged and I needed surgery to repair the obstructions and get my kidney working correctly. I wish I could say that was the end of it and I lived happily ever after, but that wasn't the case. For whatever reason I developed new obstructions and had to have major surgery again when I was 3 and 8 years old. I don't remember much when I was a toddler, but I remember how sick I was when I was 8 and it sucked.

After my last surgery when I was 8 years old I finally seemed to turn the corner. For years I seemed to be doing much better. Serum creatine levels are something a doctor looks at to evaluate kidney function. Normal levels are anywhere from .6 - 1.2 deciliters in a healthy person. When I was 13 years old my creatine was 1.3. Just to put that into perspective, when I was 8 years old and very sick my creatine levels were over 9.

As I've aged, my creatine has slowly risen. In my early 20's my creatine levels were around 1.8. That's a bit above normal but not at all that alarming. When I reached 30 my creatine hovered around 2. My creatine maintained in the low 2's until about 4 years ago. Since then my creatine has risen considerably. Last summer I was at 4.2. Now it's 6.9.

In December I was admitted to the hospital for an unrelated condition and found out my creatine had risen to 5.5. This isn't good. This hospital was a small community hospital. I met with a nephrologist (kidney doctor) and a urologist. They did an ultrasound and found that I had another obstruction causing fluid to back up into my kidney. My condition is called Hydronephrosis.

The doctors at this hospital wanted to do surgery right away to try and save my kidney. I wanted a second opinion just to make sure I was going to get the best treatment possible. I'm glad I decided to get that second opinion. It turned out the surgery was unnecessary. It would have probably made my condition worse.

A few days after Christmas I started feeling really sick again so I went to the ER and was admitted to the hospital. During my stay, a team of doctors examined me and ran more tests and determined that the surgery was unnecessary and might even do more harm than good at this point. In layman's terms, my kidney was so damaged from this chronic obstruction that relieving the obstruction would not save my kidney, but probably put me on dialysis even sooner.

My creatine dropped down a bit to 5.1 at this point so the doctors discharged me. Since then I have had several follow-up appointments with different doctors. All of my doctors agree that without a transplant I will need dialysis at some point. It all depends on how fast this progresses.

When the kidneys go bad so many other things go wrong. One complication of CKD is anemia. A normal adult male should have a hemoglobin range of 13.5 - 17.5 g/dL. Mine in late December was 7.9. I was very pale and weak as you can see from the picture above. I was always tired and couldn't hardly walk up a single flight of stairs. In January I started getting Aranesp shots. The Aranesp shots help do the job that the kidney is failing to do and that is to tell my body to make more red blood cells. These shots are very expensive. They cost several hundred dollars a vile. The shot is given once a week until the hemoglobin gets back into a safe range. My wife is trained to give me the injections so I don't have to make a trip to the doctors every week.

That's were I stand now. My kidney function isn't getting better. It's only a matter of time before I will have to go on dialysis if I don't get a transplant. I went to my renal education appointment and I think I'm going to go with peritoneal dialysis. It seems to be better tolerated. I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to travel or anything else yet but hopefully if it comes down to it I won't have to be on it for long. It's treatments that I have to do at home 4 times a day but I guess you have to choose between the lesser of two evils.

For now all I can do is take things one day at a time. I'm optimistic despite my health challenges.

Two Negatives Don't Make a Positive

2009-08-26T20:44:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a week. This past week has been very difficult. I really just didn't feel like posting. Everything got real bad last Thursday. I got into a fight with my girlfriend. She had been having a few really bad days of her own and this really started to bring me down. I don't know why it did it just did. Maybe it was because I'm in this situation and making the best of things and trying to stay positive and she just kept seeing everything in a negative light. I had finally had enough and I just lost it. We got into a really bad fight and I called her a bunch of names that I now regret. Now we are broke up and I'm sad about that.

The weekend didn't go to well either. I was able to make some money and stick it in the bank. I now have $370 in my checking account. I'm trying not to touch the money and I won't as long as I keep making money every day. But every day I am taking a huge risk and it's only a matter of time before the cops nail me again. Today was way too hot to stay out there very long so I was only able to put away $40. It's so temping to get a hotel room but then my money will be gone in a flash. As it stands right now I have several bills that I have to pay so that money is already spent.

One funny thing happened over the weekend. Another homeless guy got mad because he thought I took his spot. This guy is an idiot and he spends his money on heroin so I don't give a shit. He starts yelling at me and his dentures start flying out of his mouth! It was fucking hilarious. I wish I had my video camera so I could have recorded it. Needless to say I stood my ground but I only ended up making $4 that day. Four measly fucking dollars...

I feel like I'm just getting by every day. Like I'm really not getting ahead. It's so tough out here. I need to stop treading water. I'm just taking things one day at a time but this is so frustrating. I need to leave California. I'm tempted to just buy a train ticket out of here but then my bills won't get paid and I will still be struggling someplace else.

Running On Empty

2009-08-19T18:54:00.000-07:00

Today was a really rough day. I took my chances last night and returned to my usual spot but maybe got 6 hours of sleep tops. Monday morning someone walked by me and found me sleeping in the hallway at 6:30am. That was unusual because nobody normally starts going into the offices until 7am. I've been caught before when I overslept but I am almost always out of there by 6:30ish. I was worried about going back since I got caught Monday but last night I set my alarm for 5:20am just to make sure I was up and gone long before anyone started showing up.

I had to go to my storage unit and get my gear so I could take a shower today. I stopped off at Denny's and had my weekly Grand Slam and then went to my storage. A couple of months ago Denny's announced through the newspaper that they were giving away a years worth of Grand Slams to the first 100 people at the grand opening of their new restaurant. I camped out with a couple of friends from the beach because why not? We were already homeless and now we had a free place to crash and we would win the Grand Slams. So I was 3rd in line (over 100 people showed up) and got my coupons for a free Grand Slam once a week for a year. That's right, 52 free Grand Slams. The only catch is each coupon has a certain week on it so it's a use 'em or lose 'em kind of deal.

So this morning I ate my breakfast but really didn't feel right at all. I had almost no energy to do anything. I can't remember being this lethargic unless I was really sick with the flu. But I don't have the flu. I went to 24 Hour Fitness and took a shower and felt a little better for about 20 minutes and then I was sapped of all my energy again. My kidney isn't doing well, this I know. One side effect of this is that I have become anemic. Your kidneys help produce red blood cells, when your kidneys start failing you also fail to produce the proper amount of red blood cells. The doctor told me my body should compensate for this but I was wondering today if the anemia is taking its toll on me. Another thought was the big breakfast I had made me lethargic. Or maybe because I didn't sleep well at all the other night. Whatever it was, it kicked my ass today. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't even concentrate.

Finally about 5pm I started to feel a little better. I'm still not 100% but I have way more energy that I did earlier. I ended up buying some candy from a candy store in Laguna so maybe the sugar helped. I don't know but I haven't crashed yet so I'm just happy to be feeling better.

I didn't have the guts to go and try to fly a sign again today but on my way back from Denny's I found my sign that the cops confiscated from me yesterday. They just threw my sign on the sidewalk and left it there. Fucking asshole pigs. Anyways, I'm trying to figure out a way to make some money but because of my energy level I really couldn't even think straight today. I gathered up all my loose change at my storage unit and took it to the Coinstar at the grocery store so I could turn the change into cash. I ended up with $35 in cash. This money isn't going to last long so I really need to think fast how I'm going to hustle some more money.

That's The Ticket!

2009-08-18T16:07:00.000-07:00

My situation is dire. I know I have to rely on the kindness of strangers to get by, at least until I can get some type of aid through the government. I don't have any income and no medical insurance. The only thing I get right now is food stamps. This past 2 months I have had to hold a sign on a street corner and ask for help. It's something I have never done in my life. It's very embarrassing and it humbles me. If anyone thinks standing there holding a sign is easy or just for lazy people they would be wrong. Standing in one spot in the hot summer sun is not easy at all. It's also not easy getting the looks you get and the occasional "Get a job!" line. I can deal with the stares. It's funny, after doing this a few times you just kind of become numb to it. It rarely affects me anymore. The heat on the other hand is tough, especially for me. I have to keep my self well-hydrated and not stand out there too long.

Another effect of holding a sign is the police constantly harasses me. I have no idea what I'm doing is illegal or not but on several occasions I have been detained and searched but let go without so much as a ticket. On one occasion I was detained for well over an hour by the Lake Hills Sheriffs (Orange County Sheriff Dept) in the hot sun in the middle of the afternoon. The temperature was well above 90 and the officer made me sit on the curb with my legs crossed. After a few minutes I realized that I was sitting next to an ant hill as I had ants crawling up and down my back and down my pants. I informed the officer several times that I was having trouble sitting still because of the ants and that they were biting me. He completely ignored my requests that I be moved. He berated me over and over again saying I had a low-self esteem and that I just needed to get a job or hit the road. He said Orange County residents don't like panhandlers because they have money. When I told him about my medical condition he called me a whiner. After at least an hour an a half the officer let me go again without a citation. I called his Sergeant and explained what happened and asked him to view the dash-cam of the patrol car and all the Sergeant kept saying was that I shouldn't be panhandling and the officer was conducting a "criminal investigation" so he had a right to detain me like that.

Let's be perfectly clear, I was not hurting anyone. I was not stealing. I was simply holding a sign. If people choose to help me then that's their decision. If they chose to scowl at me or just drive by that's their choice as well. Some people will help and some won't and that's ok because nobody owes me anything. I just hope that karma comes back to me because when I was doing well I would give to panhandlers when I could. Even if people don't give anything this has taught me a valuable lesson; people do care. There are good people with huge hearts left in this world. Even when someone just flashes me a smile it makes me feel good. I'm not hurting anyone, maybe I'm even making a few people feel good about themselves. When I get to a point I can give back I plan on paying this forward by at least donating my time and helping out with homeless causes.

Ok, I know what you are thinking, there are the people that spend that money on drugs or alcohol. To be completely honest you are correct. Most of the panhandlers I have met have serious addictions and some of them are not even homeless to begin with. This is ironic but after what I've seen I will think twice before I give my money to someone holding a sign in the future. Let me just give you a quick snapshot of what I am talking about. Two guys I know hold signs even though they are not homeless. They stay in a hotel, do drugs, and collect SSI. The worst part is one guy puts a fake cast on his arm and the other guy stands on the freeway offramp with a cane yet he walks perfectly fine after he's done and walks away. Another guy I know holds a sign saying he's an Iraq Vetran which he is not, he's never even been in the military. He spends his money on beer, weed, and gambling. I mean he blows it. Give if you want to but don't be naive where your money is going. I'm just being blunt and telling it like it is. Panhandlers don't want you to know the truth.

What do I do with the money people give me? I have a 24 Hour Fitness membership that I pay on so I can stay clean. It's one reason I don't look homeless. I have a cell phone bill. Yes, a homeless man with a cellphone is ironic as well but I need it for emergencies and so I can continue to look for a job. Sometimes I rent a motel room for a night or two. Don't worry, I'm not staying at the Westin or the Holiday Inn. I try to find cheap rooms that are $40 or less a night. Yes, $40 a night is cheap in Orange County. I have bought clothes that I have needed as well. But I can't drink anymore and drugs would kill me real quick. Not really into hookers either, Hahaha!

Can someone get rich off panhandling? I'm not too sure about that. I have had days where I made $160 in 5 or 6 hours but I also have the days where I don't make one single dollar for over an hour. I think there are so many variables to when and why people give and who gives to who that there really is no average. Is it better to be clean looking or really down and out? I'm not sure. It would be interesting if someone did a survey or a study looking into this. But nobody grows up dreaming of becoming a panhandler one day. I know I don't want to be doing this for much longer. My new sign says I'm looking for work and even has my phone number on it and someone offered me their card today so I have a solid lead. I would much rather be working than holding a sign. I got a ticket today for panhandling so I think I will have to figure out another way to come up with some money. Standing there holding a sign is too risky. I'm a sitting duck for the police to harrass me.

One last note on the panhandling thing. People will give all sorts of things besides money. People will hand me a big bag of food and other toiletries. I try to never throw food away, even if it's tough to carry. I've had people drive by and offer me beer and cigarettes or even cookies laced with marijuana. I think people have the best intentions but in the end cold, hard, cash is best. People will have to decide for themselves what they can or are willing to give. Like I said, nobody owes me anything so I'll take what I can get.

Alcohol

2009-08-18T15:41:00.000-07:00

Let me just say something. I hate alcohol. I mean fucking hate it with a passion. Alcohol is so fucking overrated. I have seen it destroy lives, marriages, careers, health, and put grown men on the streets and keep them there. I have seen men die from alcoholism. Not to mention my dad is an alcoholic. Don't get me wrong, I've had my days where I drank but grew tired of that scene real quick. I hate the way I felt the next day and it seems the older you get the harder it is to recover. If you try to drink your problems away, don't worry, your problems will be waiting for you when you sober up. It just makes no sense to me.

Now I am not against everyone drinking and I don't look down upon it. Do what you want. This is a free country. I am just against the chronic drinking. Last night I bumped into an old friend I met a while back here in Laguna Beach. I just saw him 2 weeks ago and he seemed to be doing well. He was working and getting his life together. He had over 2 years of sobriety. Let me just say I didn't even recognize him last night. He had a beard and looked tore up. He obviously had been drinking. So I started talking to him and he tells me the doctor gave him 12 months to live. He has liver cancer. He has painful sores all over his feet and hands. This blew me away.

So my friend basically said "Fuck it" and decided to drink since he's dying anyways. I hung out with him last night and as much as I feel sorry for him it was rough watching an intelligent man really start to lose his mind. That's another thing about alcohol. Alcohol can completely change a person's behavior to where you barely know who they are. I have seen perfectly sane people get drunk and do the stupidest and craziest shit ever. Anyways, he started stumbling into the street and tried to get cars to hit him. He said he wanted to die and get it over with. I had no idea what to tell him because I'm not in his shoes. I have no idea what must be going through his head, I can only imagine. I tried my best to tell him that his kids want him around and that people care about him. That's all I really could say. I didn't want to get all religious on him and throw that in his face. I didn't think that at that moment it was the best time. He was off in his own world and I'm not sure if he'll even remember a word I said but I tried.

This morning I was almost pissed off. Not really at him, I just can't be around the heavy drinking anymore. I can't stand seeing someone I care about throw everything away. Like I said, I feel for him but none of us are guaranteed anything anyways. We still have to live the best life possible. Even if he does die within the next 12 months, why spend his remaining days in a constant fog? Why not make this last year the best he possibly can? I'm not in his shoes. I'm just venting.

I can't drink. I have a serious kidney problem and alcohol only makes it worse. If I continued to drink I may end up on dialysis But health scares don't phase true alcoholics. Another guy I know on the beach just got out of the hospital because he fell and cracked his head open. His blood alcohol level was .616! What's fucked up is that isn't even his record. He had an alcohol level much higher a few years ago and almost died. He went into cardiac arrest. But that didn't even stop him. I don't get that. You see guys on the beach die and you almost die and you continue to drink. You continue to throw your life away. I have come to the conclusion that nobody will change unless they really want to change deep down inside.

For now, the thought of consuming alcohol just makes me want to vomit!

My Story

2009-08-17T18:40:00.000-07:00

I decided to start this blog to tell my story and share my experiences of being a man without a home. Yes, I am homeless. How I became homeless is a long story. I didn't become homeless overnight. My life started to come unraveled about 3 years ago. I really don't want to spend a lot of time trying to figure out how and why I became homeless right now. I know it's part of the process to putting my life together but I just want to focus on what I can do to get off the streets as soon as possible.

In my case I am homeless because I'm in a bad situation with nobody to turn to. Almost everyone at some point in their lives has needed a little help. Maybe they lost their job. Maybe they lost their place to live. Maybe they got sick and needed a little help. Most people can turn to family or friends. But what if you don't have family that will help you? What if your "friends" turn their backs on you when they find out about your situation? What would you do then? It's easy to judge someone that is homeless if you have never been homeless yourself.

I'm not going to blame anyone for my situation though. Yes, I have a shitty family and they almost all pretty much suck. I don't have a mom or a dad that would take me in. I don't have family that will help me. That's just the cards I was dealt. I have to accept this and move on. I have to take care of myself. Because I have nobody I can turn to I should have had some money saved for situations like this but I didn't. I have been just getting by for too long. This has taught me a very valuable lesson. I need to rely on myself.

I haven't been homeless for all 3 years. This time around I have been homeless for about 2 months. I had a job in Massachusetts in April but I started having severe leg swelling due to a side effect of a medication I was taking. I didn't know what was causing the leg swelling at the time but it was so bad that even my knees were full of fluid. I was working 12 hour shifts standing and this was making the edema worse. One afternoon I asked my boss if I could leave work early so I could go to the doctors and he said he had no problem with that. About 3 hours later I got a call from the temp agency I was working through saying that my assignment had ended because I left work early. I felt stabbed in the back. I had no legal recourse because I was just a temp employee.

I moved back here to California and ended up staying with a friend. She lived in a 3 bedroom house and said her roommate was moving out so I could sleep on the couch until he moved out and then I could have his room. There was only one problem, one very big problem. The house she lived in wasn't her house. The house belonged to her parents. They didn't live there but they let her stay there rent free because she was looking for work. I never met her parents but she insisted everything would be fine. It wasn't fine. When her parents found out I was there they wanted me to leave immediately. No notice. No nothing. We decided to tell them I moved out thinking they would never find out I was there. Big mistake. They found out and then not only called the cops on me but threatened to evict her as well. The cops told them they would have to evict me and go through the court process but I decided to leave instead of trying to fight it. I didn't want my friend to get kicked out as well.

I stayed at a motel for a few nights until I ran out of money. I ended up getting a 5x5 storage unit so I could store my belongings and then I bought a sleeping bag and a camping pad. I've been on the streets ever since. Once in a while when I can gather up a few dollars I try and get a motel room for a few nights but that gets really expensive, really fast. I try to find safe, quiet places to sleep. That isn't easy at all. I found a place to sleep outside of some office buildings but I'm always worried the police are going to find me there and ticket me or worse, arrest me. I bought a 24 Hour Fitness membership so I'm able to shower and stay clean. I don't look homeless. But the fact is I am homeless.

The past two months I have been trying to find ways to get comfortable living on the streets but I have been putting too much effort into how to live on the streets than how to get off the streets. I truly believe anyone that is capable can get off the streets in less than 90 days. So this is my challenge to myself. How long will it take me to get off the streets? I don't believe in excuses. I am sick of being in this situation. I have problems just like anyone else. But I have something not a lot of people on the streets have. Ambition. I want a better life for myself. I'm going to do whatever it takes to get my life back.

I have $44.87 to my name. I want to have a home by Thanksgiving. That's my goal. 3 months is the goal but ideally I will be off the streets a lot sooner than that. How long will it take me to rebuild my life from rock bottom? Read on to find out...